Pushing Myself
I had a very unique experience while in Chiang Mai, Thailand, that illuminated something that I had been thinking about for a while now. When I set out on this adventure, one of the intentions that I wanted to manifest was for me to rediscover my boundaries, spiritually and mentally. Talking with friends, I think we can all relate to this feeling on some level or another. From the ages 16 and 22, I prided myself on constantly walking the edge, reaching out on either side with my metaphorical hands to see where those walls around me actually existed. Whether this was in social situations, climbing trees in the rain, dancing like no one was watching, doing sweat lodges, or experimenting with drugs, letting go was an integral part of my life and my learning process. There is a moment when you are in a situation that is not “safe” when you make the decision to “jump” and really let go. I find it is in those precious and rare moments that you are really alive. As Tyler Derden says in Fight Club after a horrible car accident, “we just had a near life experience.” There is much truth in that line.
When I returned from living in Australia and traveling in South East Asia 5 years ago, I either lost my edge or felt like I was coming too close to the edge for my own comfort and safety. I think that is a natural part of growing up and maturing. When you have tested your boundaries and found your metaphorical “walls”, you rarely go outside of them again as self-preservation is of utmost importance to us. Unfortunately, because of that, I feel like I have been missing out on a lot of magical and powerful learning experiences. I cannot remember the last time I was in a “jump” or “climb back down” situation in my life where I decided to jump. However, I feel like I need to see where those walls are in my life now because I think those walls of safety close in on me every year. Once you make the decisions in your life that bring other people into your life like a partner or children it becomes selfish to engage in some of these practices, although physical acts of bravery or taking drugs are by no means the only ways to find your limits or let go completely.
This brings me to my experience while in Chiang Mai. Malcolm and I were invited to take part in a unique Buddhist ceremony in a little makeshift temple on a rooft by a Thai woman named Sumi. We thought that we were going to a meditation, but it was very different from what you and I think of as meditation. Upon walking up 3 flights of stairs we arrived to a room full of frantic and violent chanting. Everyone was dressed in white and women were in what appeared like trance-like states while men who seemed to be acting as shaman yelled incantations at them. What we later found out was that the women were chanting to put let go of their bad karma, while the men were talking to the bad spirits, getting them to leave. Buckets were at the feet of the women and they would spit into them, the spit being the manifestation of the bad karma. To the observer witnessing this for the first time, it was intimidating and scary. A young girl next to me and driven herself into such a frenzy that she was in tears. I was very conflicted at seeing this because I felt that this was very traumatic for the child and that this would end up causing emotional scares for her when she was older. When you chant a word as fast as you can as loud as you can for 20 minutes and people are shouting at your face, I think it would be very hard not to break down and start crying. The people who had not broken down were being “worked on” by the guru’s until they reached that point. We was being encouraged by Sumi to participate and begin the chanting of “Tamma” (karma) over and over again as the spit bowls were being placed in front of us. I was very skeptical of it all, and with the fever pitch of the chanting and crying that was happening all around us, I felt myself in one of those places where I could walk the diving board and climb down or take a deep breath and dive in. I decided to dive in and was soon chanting while these gurus encouraged my karma to come out. However, I did not swan dive into the experience, but instead just meekly dropped off into it. It was after reflecting on it later that night, that I realized that I was still holding back and not letting go 100%. However, I felt that I should understand more of what was going on instead of blindly indulging in it because I was told to or because everyone else was. Nevertheless, it was that initial hesitancy that alarmed me because it was coming from a place of fear, specifically a fear of losing control.
That night, I made pact with myself to be more open in every aspect of my life so I can shine my light more brightly in my quest for my truth, my true nature, and for the universal truth. I invite any comments or reactions about this idea as I feel like I am not the only one who is going through this. Thanks
CLICK HERE to watch a short 10 second video of some of this chanting.
When I returned from living in Australia and traveling in South East Asia 5 years ago, I either lost my edge or felt like I was coming too close to the edge for my own comfort and safety. I think that is a natural part of growing up and maturing. When you have tested your boundaries and found your metaphorical “walls”, you rarely go outside of them again as self-preservation is of utmost importance to us. Unfortunately, because of that, I feel like I have been missing out on a lot of magical and powerful learning experiences. I cannot remember the last time I was in a “jump” or “climb back down” situation in my life where I decided to jump. However, I feel like I need to see where those walls are in my life now because I think those walls of safety close in on me every year. Once you make the decisions in your life that bring other people into your life like a partner or children it becomes selfish to engage in some of these practices, although physical acts of bravery or taking drugs are by no means the only ways to find your limits or let go completely.
This brings me to my experience while in Chiang Mai. Malcolm and I were invited to take part in a unique Buddhist ceremony in a little makeshift temple on a rooft by a Thai woman named Sumi. We thought that we were going to a meditation, but it was very different from what you and I think of as meditation. Upon walking up 3 flights of stairs we arrived to a room full of frantic and violent chanting. Everyone was dressed in white and women were in what appeared like trance-like states while men who seemed to be acting as shaman yelled incantations at them. What we later found out was that the women were chanting to put let go of their bad karma, while the men were talking to the bad spirits, getting them to leave. Buckets were at the feet of the women and they would spit into them, the spit being the manifestation of the bad karma. To the observer witnessing this for the first time, it was intimidating and scary. A young girl next to me and driven herself into such a frenzy that she was in tears. I was very conflicted at seeing this because I felt that this was very traumatic for the child and that this would end up causing emotional scares for her when she was older. When you chant a word as fast as you can as loud as you can for 20 minutes and people are shouting at your face, I think it would be very hard not to break down and start crying. The people who had not broken down were being “worked on” by the guru’s until they reached that point. We was being encouraged by Sumi to participate and begin the chanting of “Tamma” (karma) over and over again as the spit bowls were being placed in front of us. I was very skeptical of it all, and with the fever pitch of the chanting and crying that was happening all around us, I felt myself in one of those places where I could walk the diving board and climb down or take a deep breath and dive in. I decided to dive in and was soon chanting while these gurus encouraged my karma to come out. However, I did not swan dive into the experience, but instead just meekly dropped off into it. It was after reflecting on it later that night, that I realized that I was still holding back and not letting go 100%. However, I felt that I should understand more of what was going on instead of blindly indulging in it because I was told to or because everyone else was. Nevertheless, it was that initial hesitancy that alarmed me because it was coming from a place of fear, specifically a fear of losing control.
That night, I made pact with myself to be more open in every aspect of my life so I can shine my light more brightly in my quest for my truth, my true nature, and for the universal truth. I invite any comments or reactions about this idea as I feel like I am not the only one who is going through this. Thanks
CLICK HERE to watch a short 10 second video of some of this chanting.
posted by Sagedrummer at 5:48 PM
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